by Demetrios Rhompotis*
As it was just announced from the President’s Press Office, Vladimir Putin has ordered Russian troops out of the Crimea and has decided to give it back to the Ukraine as an Easter gift (it kind of looks like an egg, anyway). Citing his deep religious convictions and the fact that both Russians and Ukrainians share the same faith (and fate), Mr. Putin sees this sacrifice as a necessary act of atonement before he receives Holy Communion on Easter night. He also ordered the Ministry of Food & Beverages to supply the poverty ridden neighbor with 24 million unboiled (so that they can use Russian gas to boil them) Easter eggs and an equal amount of vodka so that they can have a proper Easter celebration (Greece, going through tough times herself, will supply only the …Holy Light, as she does with the Olympics).
According to Itar Tass, the Russian news agency, Mr. Putin became religious after watching on TV the Benediction offered by the Greek Orthodox Archbishop Demetrios of America at Obama’s 2nd Presidential inauguration. With Fr. Alex Karloutsos as mediator and spiritual advisor, Putin managed to contact the Archbishop and secretly invite him to the Kremlin, at his private monastery, for prayers and consultation. It was during one of those sessions that he decided to give up Crimea and repent for his sins (making also, at the spiritual urge of Fr. Alex, a $100 million donation to the Ecumenical Patriarchate, which caused a minor stroke and a major heart attack to Patriarch Kyril of Moscow).
The next day, President Putin fired (by execution) all the oligarchs that have supported him and confiscated their property in order to rebuild the St. Nicholas Church at Ground Zero (although it is too early to know if all that money or what will be left of it will suffice), which was special to Russia’s last Czar Nicholas. Rumors have it that President Putin is contemplating to have his own enthronement there one day as Czar and for that reason has shifted his attention to the East, having already made plans to take Alaska and from there to conquer North America all the way to New York. Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey who along with a few hundred pounds has lost any real hope of becoming president, is reputed to have secretly agreed to help Putin, providing that ownership of the island with the Statue of Liberty will pass to New Jersey, along with the New York – New Jersey Port Authority.
Greek-Russian member of Duma, Ivan Savvides, will serve as the first High Commissioner in the new territories and also as the President of the New York City Football Club which will play in the Greek League along with Savvides’ other team, the insufferable PAOK.
There hasn’t been any official reaction from President Obama so far, although well placed sources within the administration have told us that he’s contemplating new sanctions which for sure will make Putin take Crimea back and freeze his plans of expansion to the American continent.
Demetrios Rhompotis, a journalist and publisher of NEO magazine (neomagazine.com), lives in New York.
(In case you didn’t get it, APRIL FOOLS!!!!)